Seek First

I like to ponder things. I usually find myself pondering insignificant matters and unanswerable questions. There are, however, the very rare moments when I actually ponder something that is relevant, insightful, and applicable to my life. January 2009 has been full of such epiphanies. In the wake of my annual endeavor to make myself a better person (aka new years), I have become very aware of just how short I fall of God's standard for my life. In my last post, I wrote about my desire to keep my perspective fixed around Christ. As I sought to make this desire a reality, reality itself became my biggest obstacle. How could I ignore the huge question marks that seem to dominate my 2009 calendar? How would I overcome my frustrations with the people around me? Do I really expect my problems to be solved by simply adopting a more spiritual perspective on life?

These questions, among others, led me back to one of my favorite verses: Matthew 6:33. "But seek first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." What does it mean to really seek God first? This is something I have agreed with in principle for my entire life, but only recently have I been pursuing it. I began to realize all the other things that are important to me, and how frequently I am seeking those things before I seek God. The approval of others, my own comfort, sleep; to list only a few. I am learning the importance of Hebrews 12, to "fix our eyes on Jesus, throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and run with endurance the race marked out for us." As I've practiced throwing off everything, I've experienced such a renewed sense of joy and peace, even when life doesn't make sense. I can say with confidence that Jesus is my passion: the most important thing in my life.

None of these thoughts or scriptures are new to me. I know most people who go to church are familiar with these ideas, but I also know that most people who go to church often fail to fix their eyes on Jesus. I wish I could communicate my heart more effectively, to make others understand what I finally understand, that there really is nothing else worth living for. Hopefully if you are reading this, you are encouraged to get back to seeking God first. "Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you." -James 4:8

Perspective

I have always been a fan of New Years resolutions, and while I have plenty lined up for 2009, they have recently become lesser priorities. I like to set measurable goals for myself, with the noble intention of improving as a person, and more importantly, growing closer to God. In the process of pursuing these goals, however, I’ve found it far too easy to get caught up with the less significant objectives, while losing focus on God. I strive to learn more about the Bible, but am I becoming more like Christ, or merely becoming more qualified to boast in my knowledge? I struggle to empty my mind of impurity, but do I remember to fill it with things that are excellent and praiseworthy? I seek daily time with God, but do I treasure these times, or am I just avoiding the familiar shame of complacency? This year I am still resolving to change, but with a new perspective.

This new perspective has been fueled by my recent review of CS Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia. Throughout this series, we see time and again the sad reality that not everyone will believe, or choose to live for the truth. The courage of the children in each of the stories in the face of opposition is inspiring. They (usually) have a better grasp than most of the significance of their cause, and refuse to compromise because they know there is nothing more important. Do I fail to share their passion because I don’t live in a fantasy world? Or perhaps I have spent too long in our society’s fantasy world, and let my passion slip away. Who am I letting dictate my priorities? I am convinced that if I truly believe what the Bible says, then it will radically change the way I live. My priorities will be aligned with God’s priorities, and whatever desires I have apart from that will seem much less important. If there is anything holding me back from living the only life that I know I was created to live, then it only makes sense that I will do whatever it takes to throw off those hindrances. I am sick of justifying mediocrity in my life. I want to turn my eyes upon Jesus, look full in his wonderful face, and allow the things of earth to grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace.

"God is God"

The other day I read something written by a friend, and while I may not agree with all of his conclusions, I really appreciate the questions he asks, and his desire to find the truth. Enjoy.

"God is God"

Why are some healed and some not healed?

I'm sure many within the christian faith who believe that healing is something that still happens today have asked themselves this question... probably all who believe in it have. I was reading in Matthew and something I noticed is that Jesus never healed simply for the sake of healing. There was always something deeper going on. Not only that, it only ever brought "fame" to him. His name is the only one by which anyone can be saved so that makes sense, but still it's not for the sake of just the healing. It's just another way Father wants to draw us to him and if it doesn't lead to that end then ultimately what's the point?

I used to struggle so much with this question. People would tell me that it's a promise of God (healing) so it has to work every time! So I was very confused and not impressed when it wouldn't work... and I would watch those same people who stood in such confidence proclaiming the promise from behind the pulpit look some suffering person in eye promising that their pain would be gone if only they could have faith.... This suffering person that would do anything to know how to make that faith work.... and so they look that person in the eye and say "brother, you just keep believing for your healing and I'm gonna do the same thing. I truly believe you are going to be healed! Amen!" They may respond with half a smile and see some ray of hope because of the display of confidence before them, but we don't walk home with them. Many times we don't ever pray for them or think about them again. If we do it fades with time.... and they walk away having needed a true encounter with God's love and instead they get a Jesus high for a second, a little false hope, and better reason to believe that God doesn't really care about them.

I'm sure the way this sounds makes it seem as though I'm against praying for people's healing or something for the reason that you can't know if it's going to work every time but that's not it at all. If you witnessed thousands of confirmed healings at the tips of your fingers and later learned that not one of those people went to be with their Father in heaven, then what kind of sense of accomplishment could you possibly retain.... none I would hope. If you pay attention to the theme of the Bible and things that happen today that we would consider paranormal in regards to christianity, I think you will see that our Father only ever wants our hearts and if anything gets in the way of that, He does everything he can to get rid of it.
I do believe in healing, but not as a right that I have obtained by professing to be a follower of Christ. I believe that that it's a gift that God distributes as he pleases and we have no right to challenge or question why or when because the one fact remains that we so often forget... he is GOD! He doesn't answer to us, we answer to him.
I have never been healed, never spoken in tongues, never had anything really crazy like that happen to me, but my relationship with my Father doesn't suffer for it, although it used to. I would come to God in frustration saying things like, "You promised! You have to! Your word says you will!" so arrogantly arguing my case before HIS throne. I felt entitled to those things... but never had i considered how that made God feel.
I can't imagine how my spouse would feel if I felt entitled to the outward displays of her love... if I felt like she "had to" cook for me, that she "had to" kiss me, that "had to" keep the house clean. How used she would feel.... how unappreciated and unimportant. I wouldn't question my wife's love for me if I came home to dirty house one day. The same reason I don't question God when I pray for someone who doesn't get healed. I'm content to let God be God and continue love his people the best way I know how. I know that God loves his people more than I could ever have the ability to. Why should I think that God has failed them or me when I don't see something that I think I should? There is no reward for a certain number of healings, or baptisms in the Holy Spirit, but God will not overlook one single act of love towards one of his children.
I believe that God is moved by our hearts and NOT correct protocol. If it was only correct protocol and phrasing it would be nothing more than casting spells. The power of God lies in his infinite love. Everything He DOES is a result of the love that HE IS. I haven't arrived. I don't know anything aside from what He has chosen to show me. I pray that I don't speak my opinions, but the heart of Father.

The Father's love never lets go.

The Learning Curve

I know very little about psychology, but bear with me. Basically, the learning curve measures capacity to learn vs. time. A steep learning curve means you can learn a lot quickly. A flat learning curve means it takes you forever to learn very little. Typically, people learn a lot when they are young, when there is the most to be learned. As time passes, they begin to lose interest in learning, or perhaps they simply run out of things to learn. Either way, the curve tends to flatten. I don't really know what I'm talking about.

What I do know is that I am at Bible school because I want to learn. I want to learn as much as possible, and make the most of my time here. I have been guilty of sitting through "boring" classes without even trying to receive from the teacher. While I may have accidentally learned something during one of these classes, I do not recommend this approach. I've been discovering the importance of seeking God in every area of my life, no matter how seemingly insignificant, and I have definitely learned a lot.

I have learned new perspectives and insight into the Bible, but I've also been learning what it means to live for Christ. Living according to scripture can seem overwhelming at times, but Jesus did say his yoke is easy, and I've found it always pays off. As I've sought to keep an open mind and an open heart, I've realized a lot of things in my life that could be improved. I've been taken out of my comfort zone and challenged in ways that made my pride and arrogance come right to the surface. Through all this I have been learning patience, perseverance, and humility. It isn't always easy, but I am so grateful.

A change of direction and a quick note about myself: I question everything. Coming to Tulsa and encountering new doctrine and theology has not been easy. I came to Tulsa with lots of questions, and now I have even more. I will continue to seek the answers, but I recently received some good advice. Rather than focusing completely on the things I don't understand, why not pour all my energy into living out what I do understand? I have become a very proficient skeptic, but have I grown in my love for others? I know that love is the most important thing I will ever know, so why does it take a backseat to these less significant questions? Like I said, I'm learning.

I have spent too much of my life sitting on the comfortable complacency of the flat curve. I want to be climbing up the steepest part of the curve, reaching for new levels of knowledge and growth. I want to know that I am making the most of my life, my gifts, my opportunities. So that's what I'm going to do.

"Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up."
-1 Corinthians 8:1

Thanksgiving

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
-1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I don't even know what I'm going to do next year. As Christians, we always talk about seeking God's will for our lives, following God's path, doing God's work. This is all well and good, but I have found it can be too easy to sit and wait for some divine revelation about the future, and miss God's plan for me right now. It's easy to be thankful on Thanksgiving, but why do we need a holiday to count our blessings? I know I have so much to be thankful for, and even when life seems rough, I am so blessed. Give thanks in ALL circumstances. It seems pretty straightforward, and if it's God's will for me today, that's what I'm going to do.

Thanks to all my family and friends for being amazing. I love you all.

Rock Chalk Jayhawk

I'm back. Better late than never, right? Anyway, this past weekend a group of us went to Kansas on an outreach. From now on, a lot of my weekends will be dedicated to stuff like this, and I think many of them will be similar to this one. Now I don't have to blog about any of them.

Friday, 11/7/08
12:45pm - Met at the vans, ready to leave. This is earlier than normal because we had an 8 hour trip ahead of us. The 8 hour trip was not fun. I am very prone to motion sickness.
9:00pm - Arrived at the Johnson's house. Amelia Johnson, a second year IMT, planned this particular outreach to her hometown, so we were able to stay at her house. We hung out around a fire, ate some chili, and enjoyed each other's company. Good times.
Midnight - No curfew on outreaches. Would be nicer if we weren't always exhausted.

Saturday, 11/8/08
8:00am - Breakfast at the host home. Having home-cooked meals all weekend was a huge blessing. Probably one of the best things about outreaches.
9:00am - Met as a group to discuss the day's schedule. We split into groups and went to various parts of town to do service projects. I spent the morning cleaning gutters.
1:00pm - Lunch and free time. Watched a movie, took a nap.
4:30pm - Headed over to the church. Both the drama and worship teams needed to practice before the evening service. Oh yea, the church was tiny.
6:00pm - Dinner at the church. Kind of a potluck deal with the congregation of about 30.
7:30pm - Service. We performed a drama called "The Cure." I was Jesus. One of the guys from the team shared a testimony. Worship, I played the keys. A girl from the team preached about having a genuine relationship with Jesus. It was very encouraging, and I was quite impressed.
9:30pm - The worship team stayed after the service to practice for morning service.

Sunday, 11/9/08
8:00am - More home-cooked breakfast.
10:00am - Service. A few of us told stories about our faith walks. We performed a drama called "I'm Only One Person." Another testimony. Worship went well. An IMT from Paraguay preached about abortion. Very passionate message, lots of emotion. For such a controversial issue, I think it was very well delivered.
12:00pm - Lunch. Our final chance to indulge on delicious, free food.
1:30pm - Farewell, Kansas.

Well, that was probably pretty boring to read. I guess I will have to post about another outreach sometime. Seriously though, the outreaches are such cool experiences. I get to hang out with a bunch of close friends, and see people's lives changed. It would make a good reality TV show. Since there is not yet such a show, you are stuck reading this blog. Thanks for bearing with me. I miss you all.

FaithWalk 2K8

For those unfamiliar with the IMT program, Faithwalk is one of the most highly anticipated times of the year. I will do my best to communicate my experiences, but this is really something that you can't fully understand by reading a blog. I'll tell you what happened, and what I learned, and hopefully your imagination will do the rest.

Here's what happened: Saturday morning, we all met at 4am outside the apartments, and had a time of prayer. Our director, Ryan, gave us an encouraging word and read off the list of teams. We broke up into our teams of 4 and spent some time praying for our adventure. My team consisted of myself, 2 second year girls (Whitney and Maria), and one of the Team Leaders (Stephanie, a third year). As the least experienced member of the team, I felt a little bit intimidated, but I was mostly excited. Each group was given a 6 foot wooden cross, and was assigned a vehicle. We said our goodbyes, got in our van, put on our blindfolds, and left Tulsa. Each of the 6 groups were driven in different directions and were left 150 miles from home, with absolutely no clue as to their location. Nice.

Before we get too engrossed in the story, let's review the rules:
1) You must have the cross with you at all times
2) The group must stay together
3) You may receive help but you can not ask for anything (except from God), ie. directions, rides, food, lodging
4) You may only ride with each driver for 25 miles
5) Do not walk along the Interstate or Toll Roads
6) Bring only the following items: change of clothes, water bottle, toilet paper, toothbrush, deodorant, bible, camera

When our driver ushered us from the van, we were still blindfolded, but it was obvious we were in the middle of nowhere. As the van left us, and we removed our blindfolds, we were standing on a small bridge on a red clay road, definitely in the middle of nowhere. (I know most of you think the entire state of Oklahoma is the middle of nowhere, but this was even worse.) We wanted to get off to a good start, so we took some time to read our Bibles and get our priorities straight. I really didn't know what to pray. I didn't care if I had an easy or a hard Faithwalk, or if we ate anything, or had a place to stay. I have so many questions about faith, and deep down I really wanted some crazy Bible story to happen in front of me, like fire coming from heaven, or angels coming and flying us to Tulsa. I knew in my heart that God wasn't going to make it that easy, so I just prayed that I would be open to whatever God wanted to do.

For a long time, all we saw were cows. Cows and fields and dirt roads. Eventually a guy named Mark rolled up on his 4 wheeler and wanted to know all about our mission. Apparently we were in Chickasha, OK. He gave us water, and let us use the bathroom, and I think we were able to really encourage him. That was cool. (Quick note on the bathroom: Girls need to use it every 5 minutes. No exaggeration.) We reached an intersection, and did what any good Faithwalkers would, and prayed about which way to go. This kind of prayer is uncomfortable for me, as God has never revealed himself to me as an audible voice or an arrow-shaped cloud before. Despite my reservations about the style of prayer, I had no doubt that God had our back. We walked for a while before we met Shirley and JW Fish. An awesome older couple, they lived in a picturesque little country home, but don't judge a book by its cover. They invited us in for drinks, and the first thing I see inside their house is a big screen TV showing the Oklahoma-Texas football game. God loves me. We hung out with the Fishes for about a half hour, until they realized that they could give us a ride. They drove us to the next town, Tuttle, and left us at Taco Mayo with 20 dollars for lunch. We ate lunch, and I watched the rest of the game while the girls used the bathroom.

At this point we were all feeling super blessed, and very confident in God as our provider. We kept walking, met some people, saw some animals, picked some cotton, and prayed. It wasn't long before the girls had to use the bathroom again, so we stopped at a gas station (still in Tuttle). The lady there was so excited about our story, and the next thing we knew, her boyfriend, Steve, had pulled up and offered us a ride. He drove us through Oklahoma City and left us outside Edmond at Route 66, which leads all the way to Tulsa! We were in the parking lot of a church, so naturally we decided to check it out. We met some people, decided to attend the 6:30 service, changed our minds, and left. One of the families we had met inside stopped us in the parking lot and offered us a ride. We rode in the back of their pickup (sweet), and they bought us drinks and left us 25 miles down the road. It was starting to get dark, but we weren't discouraged. The girls went to the bathroom, and we started walking. I'm not sure how, but it wasn't long before the girls had to use the bathroom again. We went into a sketchy bar, used the bathroom, and talked to the people there. They definitely needed hope. Back on the road, it was still dark. Route 66 is a creepy road at night, but we sang and laughed to keep our spirits up. Eventually a car pulled over and a man got out to ask us some questions. He was the manager of the Sonic in the next town (Chandler), and wanted to take us there and buy us food. Awesome.

Sonic was so much fun. We ate a ton, laughed even more, and made friends with all the workers. A lot of cars came and went, but not many people got out to sit down. When the girls went to use the bathroom (of course), I had a chance to talk to a group of teenage guys at one of the tables. They were very curious about our trip, and were eager to share their own stories about church. I learned they lived and went to church in Stroud, which was only 20 miles away. Perfect. One thing led to another, and soon enough we were all piled into their van heading to their house. It was great hanging out with those guys, and we got to encourage their mom, who had recently gone through a divorce. I fell asleep almost immediately, but we hung out more in the morning, eating pancakes and playing rock band.

We attended Stroud United Pentecostal Church with the family. It was a very small church, and a bit old fashioned, but it was great to be in church. After spending some time with the congregation, we got a ride 25 miles closer to Tulsa. At this point we were less than 40 miles from home, and it was only noon. We were feeling good. Then we had to walk for 6 hours. Fortunately, a man blessed us with 30 bucks to get whatever we wanted at a convenience store, so that was a nice break. Finally a suburban pulled over, and an old man with a cowboy hat started asking us about ourselves. He gave us each a Gideons New Testament. Honestly, I was not remotely interested in another Bible. I wanted a ride. As he was about to pull away, he said "I would offer you a ride, but I'm sure you couldn't accept it." I was in the car before he even finished his sentence. He bought us Taco Bell, and took us all the way back to the apartments. Home, sweet home.


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Here's what I learned: God is faithful, and he is good. I really wanted to have all my questions about God answered this weekend, but He had other plans. I still don't know how effective my specific prayers are, but I do know that God still knows best. No, my prayers weren't answered in the ways I would have liked at the time, but we were always provided for. I got to watch the football game, and we stayed with 4 teenage guys. So awesome. God knows the desires of my heart, and he wants to bless me. It's hard for me to have so many questions with seemingly so few answers, but I know God is in control, and that gives me peace. This morning as I was reading my Bible, I found a good summary of my feelings. God is awesome.

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts?
Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death.
But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
for he has been good to me.
-Psalm 13